ChRiStMaS

Chistmas Eve was spent at our house with my kids, mom, brother and his family and my grandma...


Christmas morning was a bit stressed. Kesley had to work at 7am, so we all got up at 5am to open presents. YOu can see in this picture it was a bit rough... lens cap not all the way open, Kesley is asleep, Audrey is crying... we are a sorry looking bunch. Scott also joined us for Christmas morning...

Next week???

Is anyone else overwhelmed that Christmas is next week? I am SO unprepared... and I'm a planner, so this is really unlike me. I know that I have the excuse of all that has recently transpired, but that doesn't mean Christmas will come any slower or can be postponed...

Ours will be quite scaled back holiday from years past, but that's ok. Not only is money really tight, ok maybe non-existant is more the word, but I'm just not into it either. I put up the tree of course - mostly because a certain 3 year old has asked me every day since before Halloween why we can't put up our tree today... But I have boxes of decorations I didn't even open up this time. I think I'm just going through the motions for the kids this year.

Things have changed... my whole life is going to be different. And don't get me wrong, it is fine that it's different. Adjusting to some new routines and new traditions will be hard though. And I really miss my dad right now. He loved the holidays, so I think this time will forever be a little empty feeling with him gone.

Anyway, I'm just so unprepared... am I the only one???

Update... It's Final

I got word on Thurday... The judge signed our divorce decree on Monday the 8th. Kinda surreal, but a lot of relief. It's what needed to happen at this point. I'm glad 2008 is almost over, I really want to have a fresh outlook and some new goals for 2009...

House For Sale

My home is officially up for sale. Anyone interested in living in Centerville? Here's the link... http://www.utahrealestate.com/849893

Happy Birthday Audrey

My sweet baby turns two today. She is growing up so fast! Her favorite things in the world are her purple blanket (she calls a mimi) and anything Arial. She's a little obsessed. Audrey was in heaven today with it being Thanksgiving - her favorite thing to do is help me cook and we cooked and baked all morning long. Audrey is such a joy in my life. I love her silly grin and her slobbery kisses. I love that she makes up her own words and "talks" to you so serious - but you have no idea what she is saying. Happy 2nd Birthday baby!

Breakdown

OK, so it was bound to happen... I have been going along fairly well, keeping it together and obviously suppressing my emotions. Last night I completely lost it. I had a melt down - cried and sobbed and felt sorry for myself. Being a girl, I knew this would be ultimately a good thing, because today I feel better and more able to tackle the things on my ginormous plate of life. I've recognized that I am overwhelmed and that I can't do it all. I need to learn to say no and not continue to let people tell me what to do. I am an adult for crying out loud... stop treating me like I am 14. And just because I am doing things differently or out of the norm from what others think I should be doing (or what they would do), it doesn't mean I am doing them wrong. I've never been through this before so cut me some freakin slack here. This is a learning process and I am trying to figure it out. And I have an awful lot to figure out. I'm still in the one day at a time mode, which is SO hard for me because I am a planner and want to have my future mapped. Not so easy right now since my world turned upside down and everything is up in the air. But again, even venting here is helpful. (((breathe))). Thanks for listening, er, I mean reading - love you all. :)

7 Quirky things no one knows about me . . .

Tagged by my beautiful and talented Alaska friend... Tonya. (and yes, I realize this is 2 tags done in one day. It's my blog so deal with it.)

1. I talk to myself - and answer myself. I have full on conversations with me at the grocery store. Sometimes if I'm caught I pretend I'm talking to Audrey. She plays along so well.

2. I can't eat cows. I haven't had any red meat in more than 5 years and the thought of eating it makes me a little nauseated. Even when I was pregnant with Hallie and Audrey and I craved cheeseburgers with a fierceness, I didn't give in. If only I had that same willpower against chocolate...

3. I am very claustrophobic. So bad that even using earplugs or being blindfolded makes me nervous. I've had countless MRIs for my migraines and a MS scare, and all but twice I freaked out in the tube. Had to be pulled out in hysterics. The two times I was ok... much better drugs.

4. I don't know how to drive a stick shift. So stupid, huh? I just never learned and now I don't care. We've always had automatic cars, so no big deal.

5. I love graham crackers. My favorite way to eat them? Break apart the whole graham cracker into the four pieces, stack them together and dunk them in milk. So good. Hallie and I sit together and eat them this way. I also love them as smores (Dallin's fav) and in any pie as a graham cracker crust, especially a chocolate graham cracker crust.

6. I adore flip flops. I wear them year round. Only time I won't is in a blizzard. Just last week I was going into the courthouse and the sheriffs doing security check at the front doors were laughing at me cause it was freezing and I had my cute little flip flops on. But I had cute painted toes that begged to be free. Oh, remember when we used to call them thongs? Yeah, not the same meaning anymore.

7. I hate it when someone reads my magazine before I have a chance to flip though it. Drives me insane. I want it to be fresh. Same goes for catalogs in the mail and coupons/ads out of the Sunday paper. Kesley knows this and reads them just to get to me - I'm onto her.

8 Things Tag

I don't have a lot I want to write about lately, so I saw this fun tag on another person's blog and just to let you all know I am still alive, here it is...

8 Movies I like to watch

1. PS I Love You
2. Juno
3. Phantom of the Opera
4. The Electric Horseman
5. Walk the Line
6. The Notebook
7. The Saint
8. The Italian Job

8 Things that happened yesterday

1. Made cookies with the kids. We ate a lot of dough.
2. Started a new book... The Hungar Games
3. Took a nap (thank you kids)
4. Finally finished folding the laundry
5. Furnace broke in the morning and it was 61' in our house - it's fixed now.
6. Made dinner
7. Everyone bathed/showered - major accomplishment in our house!
8. Planned out my week.

8 Favorite places to eat

1. Red Rock
2. The Pub
3. Cafe Rio
4. Paradise Bakery
5. Thai Siam
6. Macaroni Grill
7. Cheesecake Factory
8. Market Street

8 Things I am looking forward to

1. Spending the holidays with my kids.
2. Selling my house - not too optimistic about this one though.
3. Twilight movie comes out this Friday.
4. My 2 little nephews arriving in Spring '09.
5. Getting together for dinner with my childhood best freind this weekend.
6. Only have to work 2.5 days next week.
7. My mom's house being finished - love her, but having her live with us is hard.
8. Putting this year behind me and starting fresh in 2009.

8 Things on my wish list

1. Wish I was out of debt!
2. Wish I had more patience.
3. Wish Scott could find a job.
4. Wish I had enough money for my kid's Christmas.
5. Wish my house would sell (and for the asking price).
6. Wish I wasn't so hard on myself. Why are we our own worst critics?
7. Wish I had more motivation to list all the things I have to sell on eBay.
8. Wish I was home in my warm bed and not at work right now.

Fall Chores

BEFORE... (or really during - Hallie loved helping me rake)

AFTER...

I voted

Pleasantly surprised that there weren't long lines at my voting place. Felt good to do my American duty. We live in an awesome country where we have the right and priviledge to vote. So if you haven't voted yet, what are you waiting for????

Happy Birthday Dad

Today is my dad's birthday. He would have been 64 years old. I think about him everyday and miss him so much. I feel so cheated that he isn't here anymore. So unfair that he had to go. I KNOW he's in a good place and I KNOW I will see him again, but for right this minute I am feeling selfish and I just want him HERE. Dad, I love you. I am kinda lost without you, but I know you are not far because I can still feel you helping me, guiding me. I know we will be together again someday. I hope you like the balloons and flowers for your grave. I wish they were in person. Happy Birthday. All my love, Rachel


Rick Fullmer (November 3, 1944 - February 3, 2006)

Cancer is so limited…
It cannot cripple Love.
It cannot shatter Hope.
It cannot corrode Faith.
It cannot destroy Peace.
It cannot kill Friendship.
It cannot suppress Memories.
It cannot silence Courage.
It cannot invade the Soul.
It cannot steal Eternal Life.
It cannot conquer the Spirit.

Happy Halloween

Halloween was kinda low key this year and if you ask my 3 year old... "trick or treating is lame". We had Scott's family over for chili and breadsticks - minus Scott. But he came later and took the kids out to gather candy. Hallie only lasted about 6 houses and then didn't feel good. Audrey was happy to just put all our candy from our bowl into her bag. And Dallin went out with his dad for awhile, but even he didn't last long. What??? What happened to hours of trick or treating and pillowcases full of candy? At least we won't have to ration it out, they could eat it all tonight and be fine.

Dallin was Batman, Hallie was a witch and Audrey was a leopard (with her finger up her nose - so lovely)

Ready for trick or treating with their dad

Some of Scott's family over for dinner.

Weight-loss report

OK, so those of you who have followed my blog for awhile (that's gotta be, what? 4 people?) know that I used to have a very short-lived activity called "Wednesday Weigh-in". What a stupid idea that was - Jennie, stop laughing. Anyway, I ended it when I realized even going public was NOT helping me lose any of the weight.

But some of you may have noticed a small weight loss tracker on the right lower side of my blog. AND, drum-roll please... I am finally within 3 pounds of my goal weight. I'm thrilled that I had to buy new way smaller jeans cause my old ones no longer fit. That is an awesome feeling. So I just wanted to share cause THIS is something happy going on in my life. :)

Twilight Tickets

My friend Karin texted me today and said she got all us girls (my work buddies) advanced purchase tickets to Twilight on Nov 21st. Got yours????

still here

I'm still around. LOTS going on in my life but nothing I have the energy to blog about right now. Once all is over, I will give a complete recap, so stay tuned...

On another note, I am sitting here drinking a diet coke thinking how wonderful it is. I love diet coke. I didn't drink sodas for many years and have recently taken it up again. I know, bad habit. I don't care. Since going back to work full time (and remember, I work 4 tens), I need the caffine, especailly since I have 2 little girls that often wake me up at night. They usually just need a blanket tucked around them, or a trip to the potty, or a lost binki found - but just getting up and taking care of that is enough to wake me more than I can tolerate to fall blissfully back to sleep. So at work it's either diet coke or falling asleep on my keyboard (or worse, in a meeting). My boss is probably glad I choose diet coke. And yes, I own coca-cola stock and I don't know how much I lost cause I refuse to look until the market rebounds - optimistic aren't I?

Recovery

Had my right side lithotripsy done yesterday. I hope this is it cause it is so not fun. I'm sore and groggy, but doing ok. This one was way harder for me coming out of the anesthesia. I really had to fight it and I was out of it all day yesterday. On the plus side though I have good drugs so the pain has been minimal. Just wanted to let you all know I'm still here and it went well. :)

Update on my life...

So here goes, there is no easy way to say this - Scott and I are getting divorced. I won't play the game of blame or describing the reasons. It has been in the makes for a very long time and honestly is overdue at this point. I am very sad, but mostly for what are kids will go through as we dissolve our marriage. Scott was removed from our home 3 weeks ago. I will be filing papers before the month is over. Just please pray for our kids and keep them in your thoughts. They are my biggest concern.

I will be putting my home up for sale in the next few weeks. We need to make a fresh start. If you know anyone who wants a 5 bedroom home in Centerville, send them my way. This is really a hard decision I have come to, probably the hardest thing I have ever had to decide. I am firm in this though and will only look ahead. My hope is that Scott and I can eventually be friends and put our children above everything else that has happened.

I love you all and thank you for your support - I imagine I will need shoulders to cry on and lean on in the weeks and months to come.

Handbag Planet

My SIL Kellie posted this on her blog and so I am entering the contest and hoping to win too!!! Click here to enter to win a free handback - no strings attached! This is the one I want to win...

high school friends

Back in July we had a get together with some of my friends from high school. We have tried to do this more often since several of us live around the area and Tonya was down this month from Alaska. I just got these pictures forwarded from my friend Tamilyn, so here they are... Front row: Mary Ann, Nannette (holding Henry), me (holding Audrey) and back row: Tamilyn, Tonya & Kaysee. Second picture is of 3 of our girls. There were many more kids there playing the Wii and even a husband (go Dan!). I love getting together with my high school friends. They make me feel young cause we can laugh and talk like NO time has passed!!! We have been through so much and continue to love and support each other! AND I love all the friends who couldn't be there - we miss you!

Daycare

I hate that word. Daycare. It makes me feel like such a bad mom. But it is my reality and today is Hallie and Audrey's first day at daycare. I found a really cute girl who was looking for a playmate for another 3 year old she tends. She wanted one child four days a week and I offered two kids two days a weeks. She was thrilled, so we are trying it out to see if it's a good fit for both her and my girls. Since my Mondays and Tuesdays are covered by family, their daycare days will be Wednesday and Thurday. Not as bad as full-time daycare, but still.

When I dropped them off and Hallie was immediately impressed she had a cat named Simon. They are going to be best buds until Simon realizes Hallie is not going to leave him alone. He'll have to find a really good hiding spot. Audrey liked the kitty too, but kept looking at me strange as I was taking off her shoes and jacket. Then I kissed them both goodbye, threatened Hallie to be nice to the kitty and her sister, and left. Audrey didn't scream hysterically as I went out the door so I took that as a very good sign. They've been there for 43 minutes - is it too soon to call and check on them???

Daycare bites. Working full-time bites more.

random pictures of my little girls...

Hallie and Audrey - on a good day.

Lithotripsy

Yeah, you heard me. I had never heard of this procedure until a week ago when my Dr found 2 very large kidney stones (one on each side) during a CT scan. I've had back and kidney pain for a long time. My Dr called me a "ticking time bomb". With EVERYTHING else going on in my life this was not exactly what I wanted to hear.

So Monday I got to undergo a lithotripsy . Since it is extremely painful I was put under general anesthesia, so I don't remember a thing. Basically,they use sound waves to pulverize the stone so it can be passed. Uh-huh, I said passed. For the past three days I have been in a drugged fog trying to cover up the pain from the procedure and the resulting smaller stones. NOT FUN!!!

And the funnest part??? I get to do it AGAIN in 2 weeks to the other kidney. Do I have ALL the luck or what? GRRRRR........

Happy Birthday Kesley... a little late!

Just a quick and overdue update... My oldest baby turned 15 on Sunday. I am just in shock she is so grown up. Kesley, I love you so very much and I am so proud of what a beautiful young woman you have become. You are so much fun to be with and I love just hanging out with you talking and laughing. You are one of my very best friends. I hope you know that I am always here for you and even though things are rough right now, I will always do my best to do what is right for you.


We had a nice dinner at Bill & Bonita's Sunday evening and spent time with the family. Kind of low key, but Kesley seemed fine with that. She and I are going out to dinner this next weekend with her best friend who also turned 15 this weekend.


Some birthday pictures...

FYI

My posts may be few and far between for awhile. I'm going through a rough time and don't think I can keep up with this blog right now, but don't worry - I will be ok. I just need to take some time and figure some things out. Love to you all. Rachel

Friday FIVE

1. Children's Tylenol & Cold - 2 of my kids have colds, which mean all 4 will soon have colds, which means Scott and I will also have colds soon. This medicine stops runny noses & helps them sleep. 2 very good things.

2. Texting - Kesley reminded me I need to pick her up today (yeah, I had forgotten!) and I've been texting an old high school friend back & forth all morning. So great to chat with your thumbs.

3. Lean Cuisines - I am trying not to eat as much bread in my diet, so what to make for lunch in place of a sandwich? These are quick and easy and Albertsons has them on sale for $1.88 each this week. My freezer is stocked. Oh, and I love them for "eating at my desk at work lunches" too!

4. Madonna's New CD: Hard Candy - We don't buy CDs anymore (itunes is all you need), but this CD is awesome and I love every song. Yes I have loved Madonna since her early days - her music, not her acting or her books! I guess I am and always will be a material girl at heart.

5. Jergen's Shimmer Lotion - not only is this an awesome moisturizing lotion, but it adds shimmer to your skin. Not like glitter, but very subtle. I love it - beware though, it is hard to find!

7 years ago...

I still get tears in my eyes when they replay the towers being hit. I still hold my breath as they crumble and fall. The hair on my arms stands up when I think of all the people who died in that tragedy and all the families and lives their deaths affected. My heart aches for them. It still seems so surreal - like it was supposed to be a Hollywood movie. My brain still can't quite grasp all that happened that day, even seven years later. My prayers will continue to go out to ALL of those who were affected.

Tagged by Tasha

Sure, I'm game - but I don't have much time, so I'm using very short answers..


20 years ago.....

1. I was a sophmore at Bountiful High.
2. I was 15 (almost the same age as my oldest child!)
3. Scott and I hung out a lot - he was always one of my best friends.
4. I was totally addicted to Depeche Mode and INXS.

10 years ago.....

1. I had been married for 3 years.
2. I was in between jobs and loved being home with Kesley, almost 5.
3. We had barely begun the infertility/adoption rollar coaster.
4. We went on a fabulous vacation to Disneyland with my parents and brother.

5 years ago....

1. I was mom to Dallin (3) and Kelsey (almost 10).
2. We lived in Woods Cross, UT
3. I paid off all my student loans (woo-hoo!).
4. Scott and I went to Boston/Cape Cod - just us!

3 years ago....

1. Hallie was a baby and we were just enjoying her in our family.
2. Dallin started Kindergarten and Kes was in 6th grade.
3. Scott quit the Highway Patrol.
4. We sold our trailor. :(

1 year ago...

1. Audrey had joined our family and I was glad to be done with pregnancy/nursing for good!
2. We had been in our new home for 4 months.
3. My work schedule changed and I now job share.
4. Must have been boring - I can't think of anything else!

This Year....

1. I have completed several big projects and am getting ready to start another.
2. My mom moved in with us - so far, so good!
3. My work schedule changed again and I work 2 days a week (5 off in a row isn't half bad).
4. Scott and I have been married 13 years.

Yesterday...

1. I worked 10 hours.
2. We tried to have FHE - the little ones have very small attention spans.
3. The girls and I made cookies.
4. I ate too many cookies and too much dough.

Today...

1. I am again working (shhh... don't tell, I am taking a much needed break!)
2. Kesley is home "sick". Third absense since school started. (((help)))
3. I have headache from drinking too much diet dr pepper yesterday.
4. I hope my mom makes dinner so I don't have to.

Tomorrow....

1. I need to do laundry!
2. I am taking my girls on a walk if it isn't raining.
3. I really need to work in my yard.
4. I don't have to work!!! :)

Next Year....

1. We hope Scott has a different job.
2. My mom will have a new house (and I get my basement back).
3. Hallie starts pre-school.
4. I hope I've lost 10 pounds!

This really made me think! I tag Shelly, Kate and Elizabeth (only if you want to).

It's the small things

Raising a teenager is hard. It can be SO frustrating and can seem like there is so much you give and then you receive very little in return. So I am trying to really appreciate the little things. Kesley got paid today and like any almost 15 year old girl she wanted to raid the mall. I served as chauffer for her and her friend - no big deal. Today I am totally wiped out though and she noticed that I had spent most of the day cleaning and was exhausted. She suggested we stop by 7-11 and she bought me a Diet Coke BIG GULP. Never has a drink been more appreciated and meant so much. I savored every swallow and was able to drive to the mall and back without falling asleep and killing myself. Thank you, Kesley!

Friday FIVE

Five things I love about September...

1. Fresh fruit and vegetable stands. Last night we had fresh corn on the cob, fresh baby red potatoes and fresh peaches. SOOOO GOOD!!!


2. Back to school. The kids got so bored by the end of August. I like the routine of school and homework and bedtimes (not that we are all that great at keeping them, but we strive!)


3. Cooler nights and crisp mornings. We've needed jackets each morning and Dallin doesn't want to wear shorts to school since he rides his bike. I L-O-V-E opening the windows and letting cool fresh air in my house.


4. Darker earlier. Summer is hard since it stays light so much longer - the little girls can't settle down for sleep. Right now it's dark at 8:30 p.m. - the perfect bedtime for them!


5. Leaves changing color. Since we've already had some light snow in the northern Utah mountain tops, the leaves changing color is right around the corner. I love living right by the Wastach mountains and watching for the first signs of red and yellow leaves. We always go for scenic drives to see the beautiful fall leaves.